Go Joe!

I'm in love:



That would be one of the stars of G.I. Joe - Channing Tatum. Sorta rhymes with "the man is yum." Definitely going on my list of favourites...in fact, is in serious danger of overthrowing my beloved Spike. But that just might be because I like the way he holds his gun. Heh.

So I've actually seen the movie twice, and it's undoubtedly awesome in the leave-your-brain-behind-oooh-look-at-the-pretty-pictures-and-hey-car-go-boom way, and MY GOD the special effects are mind-blowing; but as someone who religiously watched the Saturday morning line-up way back when (G.I. Joe was sandwiched between Small Wonder and Biker Mice from Mars, remember?), I was a little disappointed at the changes in the story. I mean, Duke and Baronness? Really? 'Cuz to me that's sacrilegous! And Scarlett and Ripcord, when Duke was right there?? Nonononono unacceptable! And they killed off Cover Girl! And WHERE are Lady Jaye and Flint? And I dunno...I'm a little on the fence about Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander:

Yeah, I'm not really seeing it...he did a good job, but for me he's always going to be the horny, lovable doof in "3rd Rock From The Sun."

I swear, there better be some MAJOR follow-through on the sequel.

Actually, as long at they have more of gun-toting Channing Tatum/Duke (and a couple more shirtless scenes thrown in), I'll just stop grumbling and drool in peace.

Continuing Work In Progress

Unfortunately, D.S. and I didn't get to go to B'bay and work on our masterpiece together, and now she's in Paris (and man, I miss having her on the same continent), so the rest of this is continued with inputs from R. He read the first post here, and shook his head sorrowfully till I was afraid it would fall off. "I can't believe you've got so much negative stuff to say about men when ALL your friends are men! Surely you've met a few good ones along the way!" Cue much silence from me and glaring from him. So, at his behest, I'm updating on the different types of men found in nature (and in shady clubs), and I'm including a couple more nice guys (endangered species must always be publicized to highlight their plight, after all).

9. The Innocent Good Guy

This sub-category of male is utterly unaware of the devastating effect he has on the female of the species, and that makes him all the more attractive. He's charming without trying, sweet without being saccharine, genuinely interested in what a woman has to say without resorting to picturing her naked, and is patient without the aid of heavy-duty drugs.

Unfortunately, I rather suspect he may be a figment of my imagination. Or gay.

10. The Decent Guy

This is the guy who's mindful of what he says and how he acts around women: he won't use profanity around her, stands when she enters a room, opens restaurant and car doors for her, makes sure she's always home at an appropriate hour and is very very polite.

But, twisted as both D.S. and I are, this generally adds up to: "Yawn. Blah. Yawwwn" for us. Years of being around beer-guzzling, alphabet-belching, ball-scratching cavemen has obviously had a slightly detrimental effect on us.

11. The Knight In Shining Armour

I'm a little on the fence about this type of male: yes, he specializes in helping klutzy damsels in distress out (and God knows, klutzy is my middle name), but the basic sexist overtones always make my hackles rise. I honestly think in this day and age we don’t need a man to change a punctured tyre or tell a sleazeball in a club to take a hike. Okay, I’ll concede that when it comes to physical prowess, it may make sense to have one of these around (should a situation get ugly), but otherwise I just can’t abide by the type of man who feels a need to protect and shelter and coddle the "little woman" and treat her like fine china.

12. The Manipulative Asswipe

Extremely dangerous, this sub-species; to be avoided at all cost, and if one is too late in recognizing him, badness may ensue. Here is a man who will wheedle his way into your time, your life and your heart - and pretty much end up ruining them all. Here is a man who will cheat on you, but make you feel like dirt for doubting him (before he's caught. After he's caught, he'll find a way to blame it on you). Here is a man who'll slowly, subtly, slyly make sure you've alienated all your friends and fought with your family and you don't even realize (till it's too late) that all you've got left is him. And he turns out not to be worth it.

D.S. and I are well acquainted with this type. We hold them personally responsible for turning us into the cynics we are now. And sort of grudgingly thank them for opening our eyes.

13. The Sulker

Can also be known as The Spoiled Brat. Was obviously Momma's Little Precious who got his own way all the time, and thinks this molly-coddling is going to carry over into his adult life with all his relationships. Wake up, boy: we're not your mama, we're NOT going to pick up your socks, cook you french toast, make your bed and wash your underwear. You're obviously looking for a maid, not a girlfriend. We're NOT going to be co-erced into sex, blowjobs and handjobs when we don't want to; and we're not going to wear a trashy dress and let your boss/rich uncle/prosepctive client ogle and grope us. You’re obviously looking for a hooker, not the love of your life.

And look at us: do we look impressed by that pout you've got going on? No. That's right, you just go ahead and look sullen and surly and turn your back on us. That'll make us change our minds. Suuuure.

14. The Confused Idiot

This type of man is as much a danger to himself as he is to women - he doesn’t know WHAT he wants. He wants a fling - oh no, wait, he wants a girlfriend - no wait, a wife - no, wait, he's not ready for that commitment and he may be developing feelings for your best friend who smiled at him the other day - actually he may want to switch jobs and that's got his head in a muddle and OF COURSE he loves you; but, wait, that chick in the copy room sort of brushed up against him and while he would NEVER cheat on you, the temptation was there so maybe he's not ready…

Bah. Who needs all that? Just leave him alone, he'll end up killing himself. At least if you're not dating him, you won't have to clean up the mess.

15. The Possessive Jerk

He hates that you hang around with boys all the time; is suspicious of every friendly hug and innocent peck on the cheek; starts fights everytime you want to hang out with the guys and calls/messages approximately every 3 minutes when you’re out with them. Is also capable of being a hypocrite, as he will see nothing wrong in spending quality time with his female friends. Confront him on this, and he'll offer such excuses as: "It's a man thing" or "It's the caveman in me" or, the lowest blow of all: "I just love you so much, I can't bear to think of losing you." Don’t fall for it. He's just a Manipulative Asswipe in the making.

16. The Stoner

With this type of spaced-out man, you will always be ignored for the joint or the bong or the syringe; and the person he will be happiest to see is his dealer. Never date a guy who's more into the wacky tobacky or the happy pill than he is into you. Your ego will NOT be able to handle being second fiddle to crushed, dried leaves.

Off the top of my head I could come up with a dozen more categories, but in all fairness I would like to get out there and see if there more nice guys I could include in the line-up :)

Warning: Sappy Post Ahead

I've never really celebrated Raksha Bandhan (for the uninformed and the non-Indians: a Hindu festival celebrating the bond between brothers and sisters) with my brother Mahesh… my family isn't given to really celebrating a lot of religious/symbolic occassions, which has always suited me just fine! But every year, I like to take stock of my memories relating to my baby brother, and as much as I know he rolls his eyes and sighs and huffs, he enjoys it too :)

- I remember being 8 years old and having my parents tell me that we were going to have a baby in the house soon. I also remember asking if I could have a terrier puppy instead.

- I remember telling my friends about it, and saying I wanted a little brother. I also remember their sage advice at the age of 8: God works in mysterious ways, so ask for a sister, and He'll give you a brother.

- I remember Dad collecting me from Smallie's house after school and taking me to hospital to see Mom and then you: scrawny, yet bigger than all the other babies; squinting in the glare of the hospital lights and so impossibly adorable that it hurt my chest to look at you.

- I remember sneaking into Mom and Dad's room every night to look in at you and make sure you were still breathing. Of course, this turned out not to be such a good idea when I had chicken pox and passed it on to you at the tender age of 2 months!

- I remember how you'd only crawl backwards; run full tilt but never walk; eat only chicken-stew and rice till you were 6; fight with me only about what to watch on TV and who got the last can of Coke (the parents got us our own TVs, but there's STILL never enough Coke!); come to me with your homework and report cards before going to Mom; ask me about friends and boyfriends but remain unfazed when I teased you…the good, calm, quiet boy as opposed to me: often loud, occassionally obnoxious, rare but explosive temper.

- I remember you just waiting to grow…first to be taller than Mom (easily achieved at age 11), and then me (age 14) and finally Dad (you're 17 and 6'4" now, a good 4 inches taller than him. Happy?).

- Now every day there are new things to file away in my brain's memory box labeled "Mahesh" : you being so excited (but playing it cool) about being on the basketball team; your first kiss; the first time I took you out with my friends (who were dating and VERY affectionate….oh, your scandalized expression!). You're the sort of baby brother who asks "Who are you going out with?" and "When will you be back?" and "Is THAT what you're wearing?" - something even Dad never did! And then you quietly open the door for me at 3 in the morning when I forget my keys.

- I saw you browsing through college admissions sites the other day, and I ruffled your hair and just walked past…then went and sat in my room and pulled out old photo albums: the embarassing ones, with you as a baby with your head sticking out of the bucket you had climbed into; the time I put a whole bunch of flowered clips in your hair; the time we went to Jaipur and you and I were squinting into the sun, pulling funny faces at the camera. There's pictures of me carrying you, and making faces at your smelly diaper, and us jumping into bed to watch Jonny Quest together. There's you with the cast on your arm when you broke it: how you enjoyed bashing me over the head with that plaster! There's pictures of you sitting on my lap when you were tiny enough to carry, and there's ones of me sitting on yours because now I'm the tiny one.

I must be PMSing. I'm actually crying as I write this. Bah.

I love you, you doofus.

Fictionally Speaking...

… I get around a lot. I have a male harem. Young, old, in-between. Hot, fugly, in-between. American, British, Cuban, who cares? Age, religion, country of origin and sexual preference are no concern…that's the nice thing about fantasizing about movie stars/literary characters/TV vampires…you don't let little things like their boyfriends get in the way…unless you decide to lust after the boyfriend too (but so far I'm a little too tame for that).

Top 10 Men For Whom I Would Most Definitely Give Up Being A Nun (which, let's face it, I practically am right now. Except for poker. And Coke.)

1. Spike

Mmmm, how do I lust thee, let me count the ways…Spike has definitely been the most enduring of my crushes. Something about the platinum hair, British accent ("Bollocks!" sigh), six pack, black-painted nails and leather duster, snarky-exterior-with-soft-centre just called out to me. Oh, and the whole being-a-vampire-and-loving-the-slayer-even-without-a-soul-and-then-getting-a-soul-for-her thing. Not even finding out that James Marsters (the actor who portrayed him) was American, brunette and (sadly) human could temper my adoration. And don't even get me started on the epic line "I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it". Pure yum.

And did I mention the six pack?

2. Mr. Darcy

EVERY woman who's ever read 'Pride and Prejudice' has put the book down and squealed "He loves her! He loved her all along! Eeee!" Or, okay, maybe that was just me. But really…stiff-upper-lip, stern, reserved Fitzwilliam Darcy's verbal sparring with Elizabeth, his "rescue" of Lydia (can't say I agreed with everything, but I suppose it was the times)….how could anyone not love this man? And no, R, he isn’t a pansy.

I preferred him to Edward Rochester in 'Jane Eyre'….very broody and dashing, yes, but the mad wife locked in the attic just got minus marks from me.

3. Michael Moscovitz…

…from 'The Princess Diaries', or Jesse from the 'Mediator' series, or Rob from the '1-800 Where Are You' series, or Will from the 'Avalon High' series, or Cooper from the 'Size 12' series …all of Meg Cabot's heroes seem to have that Byronic, Darcy-ish quality that is so damn appealing. Most of all Michael Moscovitz, though…the way he puts up with Mia's various neuroses, the lop-sided smile, the lingering scent on his neck that sends Mia's senses reeling….no matter that I'm well into my 20s, I still love reading these books purely for Michael's no-nonsense, pragmatic approach to romance and Mia's sensory-overload reaction to him. And all the neuroses, most of which I sadly manage to identify with. It's like Ally McBeal all over again.

As for Jesse…who cared that he was a ghost? One 'Querida' from him and I think my spine tingled as much as Suze's did. Rob may have been a felon, but his intensity and regard for Jess always appealed to me, even when he was just ruffling her hair or putting his motorcycle helmet on her. And Will …okay, granted, the whole reincarnation-of-King-Arthur thing is more of a stretch than usual, but just the description of the timbre of his voice, the blue of his eyes..and the book interspersed with lines from 'The Lady of Shallot'...mmm. Oh, and Cooper Cartwright, with his ever-present stubble, and constantly rescuing Heather, and eschewing a boy-band career to be a private detective and live in his gay grandfather's New York brownstone, and always bringing Heather fried chicken and cheese and milkshakes…

Whatever world Meg Cabot was inhabiting, where she found these men? I want a one-way ticket there.

4. Angel

The original broody vampire-with-a-soul, skulking in the shadows and looking all tortured. Can't say I much fancied him in the 'Buffy' realm (except when he turned evil as Angelus…mmmm boy, there was just something about him that oozed sex appeal then. On a side note, I should probably get my head examined). But in his series set in L.A., he really came into his own with the shades-of-grey universe he constantly seemed to tightrope through. And he actually developed a sense of humour! So important when battling the denizens of hell on a daily basis, while also dealing with psychotic sires/exes, potentially demonic babies and your own sordid past over 253 years. Of course, as Angel, he does face that pesky curse that has him living virtually like a monk…

But hey, at least he isn't a 117-year-old virgin vampire. I swear I can't think of anything more lame than that.

5. Morelli

I would lump both of Janet Evanovich's sex-god characters in one paragraph, but that would be doing them a grievous disservice. I give you (actually no, I don't, I want him all to myself) Joseph Morelli, precocious kid - turned horny rebellious teen - turned horny dangerous felon - turned New Jersey Cop who has eyes only for Stephanie Plum (the protagonist in the Numbers series). Ladies and gentlemen (if you're interested), Janet Evanovich paints a mind-numbingly sexy picture of Morelli as 6 feet of hard muscle with a gun strapped to his side, genuine Italian temper mixed with bedroom eyes that sound yummier than tiramisu… and he loves dogs. And he doesn't shy away from the L-word! How perfect is that?

6. Ranger

A.k.a. Carlos Manoso, a.k.a. Super Bounty Hunter, a.k.a. the other man in Stephanie Plum's life (and just HOW lucky can one woman get? I know she doesn't actually exist, but I'm still insanely jealous of her!). A strong, silent, black-clothed "whisper on the wind", he's ex-Navy and possibly still-mercenary, and has his own moral code that may or may not mesh with the current legal system; but he does what it takes to keep Stephanie safe, even if is means assassinating the various psychos who find their way to her apartment. Very prone to planting tracking devices on her, replacing the dozens of cars she manages to get blown up and occassionally backing her against a wall to kiss her senseless. Cuban-American with mocha-tinted skin, black hair and unreadable black eyes. Again with the muscles and the guns, but he's a man of few words and gestures, and, according to Stephanie, the only time she knows what he's thinking is when his tongue is in her mouth.

I could live with that.

7. Diesel

I WISH Evanovich would feature him regularly in the Numbers series instead of limiting him to the Between-the-Numbers novels, but I guess Stephanie's love life is complicated enough without the constant presence of a knee-tremblingly seductive uber-bounty hunter who's alternately boyish, persuasive, playful and dangerous.

And he has dimples!

8. Jace Wayland

What is it with me and tortured, lost boys (I foresee years of therapy ahead)? Cassandra Clare's character from her 'Mortal Instruments' trilogy bears striking resemblances to her characterization of Draco Malfoy in the Draco trilogy she used to write way back in her pre-published-author fanfiction days. And I love them both. Both fighting the nature-versus-nurture battle against evil fathers, both battling their own demonic blood, both flippant and angry and cat-like and adept with swords and words alike.

The platinum hair, steely eyes and insolent smirks don't hurt either.

9. Eric Sinclair

MaryJanice Davidson is another one to give the chick-lit world a monster to drool over: Eric Sinclair, Armani-clad King of the Vampires. He's 80-odd years old, cool, suave, detached, loyal and savage when it counts; but still human enough to weep over his Queen's body when he fears she's dead. Also have to admit that the fact that he buys her Jimmy Choos and Manolo Blahniks is a big BIG selling point. And he's not gay!

10. Eric Northman

I just realized there's a disturbing number of vampires on this list…but I can’t help it. Charlaine Harris's character in the Southern Vampire Mysteries is pure sin personified, and he knows it. While his arrogance and cock-sureness (in every way possible) could be a potential turn-off, his bafflement over his purely "human" attachment to mortal waitress Sookie Stackhouse, however, makes him just that little bit more adorable.

And he looks like a Norse God, but that doesn't matter much, right?

The nice thing about me is, I may be certifiably insane, but I don't mind sharing :)