How a conversation would go between my best friend and me if he was a vampire:
Me (terrified): “AAAAAAAaaaaaa……”
Him (holding head in pain): “Stop that screaming! I have super-sensitive hearing as a result of being an undead sex god.”
Me (terror subsiding, replaced by curiosity): “….aaahhhh!!!!....Wait. What does the hearing have to do with being a sex god?”
Him (trying to look superior, but a little uncertain): “UNDEAD sex god. And it’s one of the perks.”
Me (in full-fledged nerd-mode): “How would you even know you’re a sex god? You just came back from the dead an hour ago. Scaring the crap out of me, I might add, since I was mourning your supposed death and whatnot.”
Him (annoyed): “Gee. Thanks. That’s touching. And it’s a given. Vampires have undead sexual magnetism. We HAVE to be sex gods.”
Me (logically): “Uh-huh. Or vampires could just use their hypno-crap to CONVINCE people that they’re sex gods.”
Him (completely abandoning all pretence at logic): “Oh for…! I FEEL sexier!”
Me (moving into super-geek mode): “That’s another thing. Vampires don’t cry. Don’t pee. Don’t poop. Don’t bleed. No bodily functions, basically. So how can they …you know, get it up? To do stuff?”
Him (looking heavenward for patience): “We just can! We don’t ask questions about it!”
Me (skeptical): “Riiiiiight. Oh, wait, so if you do it with a live person, then would that person be a necrophiliac?”
Him (rolling eyes): “That’s not very original, I’m sure others have asked that question.”
Me (not giving up): “Yes, but have they gotten an answer?”
Him (grinning hopefully): “Probably not a verbal one. Maybe a practical demonstration.”
Me (rolling MY eyes): “Hmm. Yeah, that’s not going to work.”
Him (whining): “Not even with the hypno-crap?”
Me (my turn to be annoyed): “I can’t believe you’re dead and still trying get in my pants!”
Him (aggrieved): “It’s UNdead!”
Me (curious again): “And that’s another thing. How come you’re not decomposing? Why aren’t your bits and pieces rotting and falling off?”
Him (horrified): “You keep my bits and pieces out of this! Of course I’m not decomposing, I’m not some common zombie!”
Me (even more curious): “So how come zombies decompose but vampires don’t?”
Him (almost crying with annoyance): “ I DON’T KNOW!! I’ve only been back from the dead for an hour!”
Me (oblivious to his mental anguish): “If a vampire and a zombie had to, you know, do it…would something rot and fall off?”
Him (with a mixture of awe and horror): “It’s amazing that you are even more disgusting than the prospect of drinking human blood.”
Me (blushing): “Awww, you’re sweet.”
So in a fit of boredom, my friend and I were talking about my vampire fixation, and went through this hypothetical scenario. The above conversation is actually ours.
End result, he decided that if he DID come back from the dead as a vampire, he’d kill me just to shut me up. And wouldn’t drink my blood, because he’s pretty sure there’s something seriously wrong with me.
Hmph.
