A long time ago, when we were still in college, D.S. and I had been spending a lazy afternoon at the CCI poolside restaurant when we decided to put together a book. A most useful book, we agreed delightedly, pooling our vast knowledge of our male friends and our limited (but still horrific) dating experience. A book that would teach women to identify the different types of men (cue the light shining from Heaven; the beatific, self-righteous expressions on our faces; the calls for our canonization…). Imagine the good we could do, educating the poor unfortunate women of the world on the various categories of dickheads out there!
Unfortunately, we never really got past scribbling a few titles and pages in the art book that used to be my ever-present companion back then. I must've chucked it somewhere in the series of moves that occurred thereafter, but I think I might be able to recall a few of the jewels we penned:
1. The Arrogant Bastard
This type of male is surprisingly common (one would expect the advent of the Empowered Woman would have squashed them into extinction, but no such luck). Good for a laugh, or the satisfaction of deflating his outsize ego, but no good for anything long-term. Unless, of course, you want to end the relationship by knocking him down with your car (I can swear this has almost never happened).
2. The Sneaky Bastard
From the same family tree as #1. However, while it's possible to ignore #1 with a roll of the eyes or dismissive snort, #2 has practically made a career out of telling women what they want to hear, and, most importantly, not getting caught. He will wine, dine, lie and cheat all with the same effortless panache (and boyish grin) that got you to fall for him in the first place. Good if you follow the "What I don't know can't hurt me" school of thought (also known as the Ostrich "bury your head in the sand" policy), but honestly, we'd hate to see you give Sneaky Bastard the satisfaction of falling for his honey-coated words. Especially when he's going to recycle the same crap with 10 other women (at least he's doing his part for the environment). This sub-species is also known as the "Will-say-anything-to-get-into-a-girl's-pants" man.
3. The Idiot
This type of male emulates #2 and thinks he's smart. Unfortunately, he misses the mark by a couple of miles. He'll try to pull the same sort of scams as the Sneaky Bastard, but screw up by trying it on two sisters. Or worse, two best friends. Honestly, don't men know that women talk? All women? About everything? Boy, if we can meet a woman for the first time in the ladies' room of a club, ask for a tampon and then go on to discuss cramps, blood flow and clotting, what makes you think we're not going to talk to our best friends about the shady moves you're trying to pull?? Idiot.
4. The Bore
Not a bad soul, this kind of boy, but is incapable of inducing anything but giganctic yawns. We don't like to pander to stereotypes, but he will most probably be a rich boy who likes talking about how fast his Ferrari goes and how much money he made on some random trade. Yes, yes, the sound of vrrooom and cha-ching may be an aphrodisiac for some women, but we prefer to think that good conversation doesn't need to include mentions of his stock portfolio or constant name-dropping of which CEO he jet-skis with on weekends.
On the other hand, give us a good old-fashioned nerd any day. They're fascinating, the little geeks, and the way their words just stumble over one another in a rushed garble? Adorable.
5. The Hunter
A slicker, more badass version of #1 and #2 and has the ability to be oh-so-appealing. He will tell a woman what she wants to hear and actually mean it (for the moment) and give her what she wants : the flattery, the meaningful looks, the witty conversation, the comfort, the spark. At least, until he gets what he wants. Then it's hasta la vista, baby. He got bored once the chase ended. Sadly, this type of man is rampant across the globe, luring in unsuspecting women. The only way to protect yourself is if you're just in it for the chase too (not something we'd recommend. We have souls; that's what differentiates us from the sex-crazed animals otherwise known as men).
6. The Best Friend
He knows your moodswings, has seen you without make-up, has coaxed you out of post-break-up trauma and he puts up with your insanity with a smile on his face. He'd be perfect boyfriend material, if you could just get past the ick-factor when it comes to kissing him. Do that, and you're golden.
7. The Good Guy
A dying breed, being hunted to extinction by marriage-minded madames who snap up the darlings in the embryonic stage. Or, they're being corrupted through the all-pervasive evil of the Arrogant Bastards, Sneaky Bastards, Idiots and Hunters. If you manage to find one, treat him well - he may just be the last of his kind.
8. The Perfect Man
Exists in theory; let us know if any of you actually stumble across this specimen. We suspect he might be a myth, or a rumour put out by the men of the world to keep us women interested: you know the whole saying about kissing a lot of frogs before you find your prince? The promise of a perfect man (who may or may not exist) ensures that a LOT of frogs get kissed….
Unfortunately, we never really got past scribbling a few titles and pages in the art book that used to be my ever-present companion back then. I must've chucked it somewhere in the series of moves that occurred thereafter, but I think I might be able to recall a few of the jewels we penned:
1. The Arrogant Bastard
This type of male is surprisingly common (one would expect the advent of the Empowered Woman would have squashed them into extinction, but no such luck). Good for a laugh, or the satisfaction of deflating his outsize ego, but no good for anything long-term. Unless, of course, you want to end the relationship by knocking him down with your car (I can swear this has almost never happened).
2. The Sneaky Bastard
From the same family tree as #1. However, while it's possible to ignore #1 with a roll of the eyes or dismissive snort, #2 has practically made a career out of telling women what they want to hear, and, most importantly, not getting caught. He will wine, dine, lie and cheat all with the same effortless panache (and boyish grin) that got you to fall for him in the first place. Good if you follow the "What I don't know can't hurt me" school of thought (also known as the Ostrich "bury your head in the sand" policy), but honestly, we'd hate to see you give Sneaky Bastard the satisfaction of falling for his honey-coated words. Especially when he's going to recycle the same crap with 10 other women (at least he's doing his part for the environment). This sub-species is also known as the "Will-say-anything-to-get-into-a-girl's-pants" man.
3. The Idiot
This type of male emulates #2 and thinks he's smart. Unfortunately, he misses the mark by a couple of miles. He'll try to pull the same sort of scams as the Sneaky Bastard, but screw up by trying it on two sisters. Or worse, two best friends. Honestly, don't men know that women talk? All women? About everything? Boy, if we can meet a woman for the first time in the ladies' room of a club, ask for a tampon and then go on to discuss cramps, blood flow and clotting, what makes you think we're not going to talk to our best friends about the shady moves you're trying to pull?? Idiot.
4. The Bore
Not a bad soul, this kind of boy, but is incapable of inducing anything but giganctic yawns. We don't like to pander to stereotypes, but he will most probably be a rich boy who likes talking about how fast his Ferrari goes and how much money he made on some random trade. Yes, yes, the sound of vrrooom and cha-ching may be an aphrodisiac for some women, but we prefer to think that good conversation doesn't need to include mentions of his stock portfolio or constant name-dropping of which CEO he jet-skis with on weekends.
On the other hand, give us a good old-fashioned nerd any day. They're fascinating, the little geeks, and the way their words just stumble over one another in a rushed garble? Adorable.
5. The Hunter
A slicker, more badass version of #1 and #2 and has the ability to be oh-so-appealing. He will tell a woman what she wants to hear and actually mean it (for the moment) and give her what she wants : the flattery, the meaningful looks, the witty conversation, the comfort, the spark. At least, until he gets what he wants. Then it's hasta la vista, baby. He got bored once the chase ended. Sadly, this type of man is rampant across the globe, luring in unsuspecting women. The only way to protect yourself is if you're just in it for the chase too (not something we'd recommend. We have souls; that's what differentiates us from the sex-crazed animals otherwise known as men).
6. The Best Friend
He knows your moodswings, has seen you without make-up, has coaxed you out of post-break-up trauma and he puts up with your insanity with a smile on his face. He'd be perfect boyfriend material, if you could just get past the ick-factor when it comes to kissing him. Do that, and you're golden.
7. The Good Guy
A dying breed, being hunted to extinction by marriage-minded madames who snap up the darlings in the embryonic stage. Or, they're being corrupted through the all-pervasive evil of the Arrogant Bastards, Sneaky Bastards, Idiots and Hunters. If you manage to find one, treat him well - he may just be the last of his kind.
8. The Perfect Man
Exists in theory; let us know if any of you actually stumble across this specimen. We suspect he might be a myth, or a rumour put out by the men of the world to keep us women interested: you know the whole saying about kissing a lot of frogs before you find your prince? The promise of a perfect man (who may or may not exist) ensures that a LOT of frogs get kissed….
I can't remember the rest, but I think D.S. and I might be meeting up in B'bay next week (and possibly staying at the CCI). No doubt we'll be able to pool together a few more years of (bad) experiences and come up with more chapters for the book.
5 comments:
babe, your bloglist should have my nomadlife blog address. I rarely update my blogspot blog.
When will the men-bashing stop btw? you know you love us.
hahahaha I was once 'The Hunter' and now the 'Perfect Man'. There should be one that describes the 'modest man' - that one is me through and through.
everytime i try to add your nomadlife blog to the list, it automatically adds the blogspot one!
and i'll be adding more the list: suggestions are welcome :)
I'm a mix of #3 (The idiot) & #5 (the Hunter). Something u missed that makes us irresistable is dat we are sex gods n women are putty in our hands. This is the biggest advantage over #7 (The good guy) who is too mcuh of a gentlemen to get laid
haha gullu! "the idiot" sounds VERY familiar...as does "the sneaky bastard." you've pretty much got men spot on...i miss your little pearls of wisdom!
kisses,
rhea
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